Kid Stuff/Transcript
Emma Leroy: You know, I've seen you not working before. But this is a whole new level of not working. Brent Leroy: I have a rip in my jeans. Emma: So you sat down on the floor. Did I miss the crying, or is that still to come? Brent: I was already on the floor, putting things on the bottom shelf, at which point, I happened to notice a rip in my jeans, Your Honour. Emma: Those look like they've had the biscuit anyway. Maybe you should toss that pair. Brent: Toss these? These are my favourite jeans. We've been through a lot together. Brent: Back, you scoundrel! Emma: A sword fight with who? Brent: Well, I can't remember exactly. But he was quite the scoundrel. Hey, do you think that you could maybe patch the hole in the knee for me? Emma: Well, I suppose I could, seeing as how you're a grown adult pushing 40 and you have no significant person in your life who might be able to help you with things like this. Brent: Great, thanks. Hank Yarbo: Hey, Lacey, tell me this. Why do you see so many earthworms when it rains? Lacey Burrows: I give up. Why? Hank: No, no, it's not a riddle. I'm really askin'. I got worms at my house. Wanda Dollard: I'm so glad you finished that sentence with "at my house." Lacey: Well, the real non-riddle answer is, worms come to drink from the puddles. Hank: Ah, that makes sense. Wanda: Are you serious? That's not even close to the real answer. The common earthworm, lumbricus terrestris, has photosensitive skin. Humid conditions are the only time it can safely surface without damaging its epidermis. Hank: To drink from puddles, eh? Thanks, Lacey. Lacey: Sure. Wanda: It's not puddles. I told him the real answer. What gives? Lacey: Well, maybe people get a little put off by your big words. Wanda: You mean intimidated by my vocabulary? Lacey: Well, yes. But "put off by your big words" works just as good, as well, as good, accurate. Oh. Hank: Yeah. Oscar Leroy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brent: What'd I miss? Hank: Huh? Oh, we're, uh, we're just talkin' about wheelbarrows. Brent: Oh, my favourite kinda barrow. Oscar: I'm gettin' a new one. Chrome arms. Hank: Sweet. It sounds expensive. Oscar: Yeah. That's why I'm holdin' out till I get next week's money. Brent: Next week's money? Oscar: Yeah. This week's won't quite cover it, so I have to wait for next week's. Hank: What is this next week's money, like a pension or somethin'? Oscar: The money Emma gives me. Brent: Mom has you on a budget? That's adorable. Oscar: It's not adorable, and it's not a budget. She just gives me so much money every week and that's it. Hank: So, uh, more like an allowance. Oscar: Oh, very funny, smart guy. It's not an allowance. It's a set amount of money that Emma doles out at a set time every week. Holy hell! I'm on an allowance! Lacey: Hey, guys. What can I get for ya? Davis Quinton: I'll have a coffee and an order of macaroodles. They sound fun. Lacey: Well, I'm sure they are. That's why they're on the kids menu. Davis: They are? All right! And they're cheap, too. Karen Pelly: How cheap? Under two bucks? Lacey: Oh, are you tight on cash? Karen: No. Why would I be tight on cash? Seems like a strange question. Lacey: Well, okay. Sorry. Davis: So it's settled. I'll have macaroodles. Lacey: You have to be under twelve, chronologically, not mentally. Davis: That doesn't seem fair. Karen: Hey, we may not like all the laws, but we still have to enforce them. Rules are rules. Lacey: What can I get for you? Karen: Just some tap water. Brought my lunch from home. Lacey: You can't eat that in here. Karen: Jeesh. What's with all the rules? Davis: Yeah. Why can't a grown man have a plate of macaroodles if he wants? Lacey: That question just answered itself. And besides, they don't come on a plate, they come in a bowl. Well, a boat, actually. Davis: Now I want them even more. Lacey: I'm going to give you a few more minutes with the menu and then I am coming back. Karen: Hey! Hank: You look like you're thinkin' about stuff. Brent: Ah, kind of. I ripped my pants, so I gave them to Mom to patch up. I put on other pants. Hank: Just makin' sure. Brent: Ya perv. Hank: It's not a perv thing, it's a hygiene thing. I don't think I could hang out here if you're not wearin' pants. Brent: Small price to pay. Dignity for sanity. Oscar: What are you trying to pull? Emma: I'm shaving an ape. What's it look like? Oscar: Ach, everyone's so smart! I'm talkin' about this allowance business. Emma: What allowance? Oscar: You went behind my back and gave me money, every week. Emma: I can't figure out this and you at the same time. What are you talking about? Oscar: You only give me so much money every week. Emma: Well, I keep meaning to give you millions, but I forget. Oscar: Our money is our money. Since when do you get to decide who gets what and what goes where? Emma: You think I'm going to let you run the budget? By the end of the end of the week we'd own a kangaroo farm. Oscar: I'm gonna make my own money. Emma: Make money. You can't even make a sandwich. Oscar: Oh, so I put a loaf of bread in the dishwasher one time. Emma: I'm going to set this up in Brent's old room. It's quieter up there, and less crazy. Hank: Oh, man. I haven't been up here in years. Ah, Linda's still lookin' good. Buenos dias, Seniorita Ronstad. Emma: Seniorita's busy. What do you want? Hank: Uh, I wonder if you would patch these. Emma: Well, I guess I can do them for you. Just set them on the table. Hank: Thanks. Oh, man. I remember playing with these. Young Brent: Hey, stop licking them. Emma: Stop licking them. Hank: It makes them go faster. Hey, need more room? I could, uh, take the racetrack outta here for ya and those boxes of old comic books and... Emma: Does that mean you'll go with them? Hank: Let's see what else I can free up for ya. Brent: This stupid radio's busted again. Wanda: Well, it's old. The circuitry oxidizes over time causing the charge to reroute. You're gonna have to get a new one. Brent: Well, whatever it is, it's not workin'. Wanda: I just told you what it is. Brent: Somethin's loose in here. Did you drop it? Wanda: Ah, I give up. From now on, no more scientifically derived explanations. Brent: No more what? Wanda: High-falutin' jibber jabber. Brent: Oh. You shouldn't dumb things down for people. It's insulting. Wanda: That squawk box is older than a dinosaur's diapers. And the insides are about as rusty as a billy goat's breakfast. Brent: Billy goat's breakfast. Yeah, you're probably right. I'll get a new one. Emma: I'm thinking of turning Brent's old room into a sewing room. Oscar: Hah, you and your crazy schemes. Emma: What's this? Oscar: I'm startin' my own business, selling cookies door to door. Emma: Outstanding. Are we rich yet? Oscar: What's wrong with selling cookies door to door? Emma: Well, nothing, if you're a ten-year-old girl. Oscar: You could get cookies from other places than little girls. That's a stereotype. Emma: Where did you get these? Oscar: From a supplier. Oscar: These are good. You got any more of these? Molly (Girl Guide): Boxes and boxes. Oscar: Let's talk bulk deal. Oscar: Called Molly or Katie or somethin' like that. Brent: It's a buck twenty-five. What, did ya mug a UNICEF kid? Karen: What? It's money. It's legal tender. So, nice weather, huh? Wanda: That's fer dang sure. Yep, that sky's as clear as a belch in church. Karen: Ya got that right. Wanda: And them clouds are as puffy as I've ever seen low-level alto cumulus formations. And they're as white as nun's caboose. Karen: Good one. Ah, see ya. Wanda: Y'all come on back now, ya hear? Brent: You're layin' it on a little thick, aren't ya, Wanda? Or is it Wanda-May now? Wanda-Jo Bob? Wanda: Whatever works, Goober. And at least people are listening. And by people, I mean folk. Brent: And if they ever start shootin' Hee-Haw again, you're a shoe in. Nun's caboose? Wanda: Yeah, I'm not proud of that one. Cookie Man: Oh, hey, Oscar, what's up? Oscar: How many cookies ya want? Cookie Man: Pardon? Oscar: I'm sellin' cookies. Cookie Man: You mean like a little girl? Oscar: What is it with you people? Broaden your horizons. Buy cookies from someone other than a little girl for once, ya jackass. Cookie Man: No, thanks. Oscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the problem? Cookie Man: You mean besides you calling me a jackass? Oscar: Hey, nothin' takes away the sting of a nasty insult like the taste of a sweet crunchy cookie. Jackass! Davis: If I want macaroodles, why can't I order macaroodles? It's a mind boggling affront to justice. Karen: That might be overstating it a ton. It's the biggest slap in the face I ever had. Except when that big guy slapped me in the face. At least it didn't come out of nowhere. Little Boy: Hi. Davis: That came out of nowhere. Little Boy: Would you like to sponsor me in a walkathon? Davis: A walkathon, eh? Yeah, I suppose I can do that. Karen: Oh, you're not gettin' dime one outta me until you can show me the proper paperwork. Davis: What? Are you short of cash or somethin'? Karen: Soliciting. The kid wants to peddle his wares on the street like a common whatever, he needs a proper licence. Davis: Shameful, makin' a kid cry 'cause you're too cheap. Little Boy: I'm not crying. Davis: That's okay, kid. The mean lady won't bother you anymore. Hank: Hey, buddy. Brent: Hey. Hey, that's funny. I used to have a Kung Fu Johnny t-shirt like that when I was in grade five. Hank: Yeah. Brent: But I tore the sleeve on the monkey bars, remember? Hank: Yeah. Then your Mom fixed the rip on her sewing machine. Brent: I don't remember that. Hank: No, I mean just now. She just fixed it, see? Brent: You mean that's my old Kung Fu Johnny t-shirt? I can't believe she gave you my old Kung Fu Johnny t-shirt. Hank: And not just the shirt. She gave me all kinds of your old stuff. Brent: Well, this is upsetting. Hank: Don't worry, I washed it. Brent: No, I mean it's upsetting I was the size you are now when I was in grade five. Hank: Oh. Lacey: Hey, there. What can I get for you today? Little Boy: A bowl of macaroodles, please. Lacey: All right, one bowl of macaroodles comin' right up. And what would you like to drink? Little Boy: What do I want to drink? Davis: Coffee. Wanda: I'll just snuggle the milk right up beside the ice cream so it stays as frosty as a penguin's privates. Camping Woman: Great, thanks. Hey, do you know how far it is to Crowley Lake? Wanda: Just head north. You'll be there faster than a frog can squat. Camping Woman: I hear it's bear country. Should I be worried about bears up there? Wanda: Ach. A bear's no different than a man, a scowls and growls till you rub the hair on their belly. Camping Woman: Oh, that's my husband for sure. Well, thanks for your help. Wanda: Weren't nothin', stranger. Brent: You've given Hank my entire childhood. My ghost gun, my balloon cannon, my super slider snow skates. Emma: Stop living in the past. There. Now are the cuffs too big? Brent: Were cuffs ever this big? I gotta be honest, Ma, this whole outfit is a bit much. Emma: I'm trying out some new patterns. Well, new when I got the machine. Brent: Don't get me wrong. If I was a bionic super agent, I would go for this in a heartbeat. Emma: You wanna be bionic? I can break your legs and poke your eye out. Brent: The cuffs look good. Emma: Okay. Hop down, now. Oscar: You don't think people around here are tired of pickled eggs? I hear people talk, ya know? Phil Kinistino: Cookies and beer? I don't think that goes. Karen: Ah, this looks shifty. Oscar: Make him buy my cookies. Karen: I don't think so. Oscar: Some help you are. Is that gun just for show? Karen: We're not authorized to use lethal force in cookie related situations. Oscar: Hey, you should buy a couple a boxes. I hear they go good with beer. Karen: Me? Well, I, uh...do you have a licence to peddle those? Oscar: A license. I'm just trying to make a couple a bucks on the side. Karen: How much money are we talkin', here. Karen: Care to buy some cookies? Davis: I've done some thinking. And we shouldn't be fighting over this. It's crazy to let this come between us. I'll have some macaroodles. Lacey: Strike five. Davis: This has got to be some kinda oldism or ageism or some kinda ism. Lacey: It's common sense. It's a commonism, a sensiblism. Davis: Wanda, is this come kind ism? Wanda: Oh, isms are as prickly as a porcupine's pyjamas. Davis: You got that right. Radio: All units, the search party will continue south into the valley. Lacey: Search party? What's that about? Davis: Just keepin' tabs on a situation. It seems a family went missing from their camper van. Lacey: Oh. Davis: Yeah. And we're a little concerned, because it's bear country. Wanda: What? Davis: Some people don't know the proper things to do if they encounter a bear. Wanda: Oh, no. Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Lacey: Did you know them? Wanda: I think I told the mom to rub the bear's belly. Davis: What? Wanda: Well, I was being all colloquial. I didn't think she'd take me literally. Lacey: Okay. Listen, don't worry about it. This is like those kids from the Blair Witch Project. At first you think they're in trouble and then in the end they're okay. Davis: They die in that. Lacey: Oh, yeah? Wanda: Oh, this folksy crap should not be taken lightly. It's as dangerous as a badger in a rain barrel! Damn it! I can't stop! Wanda: And although it may have sounded charming at the time, I want to stress that democracy is important. Politics is nothing at all like the mud on a hog's bottom. Understood? Brent: Great. Now Hank has my micronauts. Emma: Oh, they should have all been gone years ago. I did ya a favour. Brent: Some favour. Thanks a lot. Emma: And I finished fixing your pants. Brent: Oh. Well, that is a favour. So thanks a lot. Oh, you, you put actual patches on them. Emma: Well, that's what you wanted, isn't it? You said, "Patch my pants." Brent: Yeah, I guess. I, I guess I kinda just meant stitch the two sides of the rip together. But... Emma: Don't you like them? Brent: No, no. Uh, they're good. I'm just surprised, is all. But giant psychedelic flowers are, you know, groovy. Oscar: Cookies with beer tastes terrible. I don't know what Phil was talkin' about. Karen: Not a bad haul for two hours work. This will get me through the rest of the week. Oscar: Hmm? Karen: This plus all the money I had before we started selling cookies. Oscar: You were incredible. You sold three boxes to the guy I called jackass. You know, I was gonna give you ten percent. But after that, I've decided to give you fifteen. Karen: Aw, that's sweet. I want sixty. Oscar: Are you kidding? I was carrying you out there. Karen: Sixty, or I bust you for not having a licence. Little Boy: She's serious about that stuff. Karen: Should you be in here? Hank: You got loads of cool stuff. Brent: I used to. You took it all. Lacey: I had a disco sun visor when I was a little girl. Brent: Yeah. Well, boys wore them too. I used mine for rock fights, to keep the sun out of my eyes when I was throwing rocks, in battle. Lacey: Mmm. Hank: Your stuff was just rottin' away up there. Your light sabre doesn't want to be in a drawer. It needs to be out, sabring light. Brent: That's actually a light sword. I couldn't afford the officially licenced sabre version. Hank: At least your stuff's gettin' some use now. Brent: Yeah, but you're using it all wrong. Light sword, disco sun visor, together. Who are ya, Darth Abba? Lacey: You know, you shouldn't be playing with that stuff. Isn't that the kinda junk that's worth a lot in the collectors market these days? Hank: What the heck was that? Brent: Oh, the cash register's busted. It keeps poppin' open like that. Wanda: I mean don't get me wrong. The folksy thing is fun. But it can't take the place of real solid advice. Anyway, I'm sorry about the nun's caboose thing. Oscar: All right, all right! You drive a hard bargain. Sixteen percent it is. Karen: Sixty, Oscar, six-zero. Oscar: That's almost twice as much. What do you need the money for, anyway? Karen: Okay, you want to know the truth? I had my purse stolen. Oscar: So what's the big deal? Karen: I'm an officer of the law. Having my purse stolen is embarrassing. Oscar: I hear ya. Davis doesn't know anything about this? Karen: No. Oscar: Ten percent, or I tell Davis. Shop Owner: I don't see anything of any real value here. Brent: Are you kidding? I've got a ghost gun, balloon cannon, light sabre. Shop Owner: Light sword. Hank: Oh, he's good. Shop Owner: Whoa, hold the phone. What's this? Brent: Ah, yes, G.I. Joe. Hank: I thought it was G.I. Josh. Brent: He went through the same training. Shop Owner: No, behind that, the sewing machine. The Schlemmer 3400. They haven't made those since the '60s. Brent: Is it worth anything? Shop Owner: I could offer you 800 bucks for it. Brent: That's funny, mine does the same thing. Karen: Thanks, again. Thank you so much. Oscar: Is that the guy that stole your purse? You're lettin' him get away. Karen: That's the guy who found my purse. It turns out I lost it. Oscar: A lost purse. You'll never live that down. Karen: Yeah. So about that cookie thing, I want sixty percent. Oscar: Sixty percent? We had a deal. You blackmailed me. Karen: Exactly. We had a deal. Oscar: What do you need the money for anyway? You got your purse back. Karen: I'm greedy. Oscar: Listen, I've got people to answer to. Molly (Girl Guide): I want my money, Leroy. Karen: Sorry. My purse isn't stolen anymore, so you got nothin' on me. Oscar: Fine. Camping Woman: Hello, again. Wanda: You're alive! I've been worried sick about you guys! I thought you were eaten by bears. Camping Woman: No. No, we're, we're fine. Wanda: Okay. Before you go, bears are nothing like men. They don't want their tummies rubbed. Well, maybe they do, but not by strangers, unlike men. I'm not being very clear. Ursus horribilus is a killer when provoked. Don't agitate its abdominal area. Camping Woman: I liked you better when you were a hillbilly. Emma: Did you find a buyer for your junk? Brent: The guy wasn't interested. Emma: 'Cause that's going to be my sewing room, and that's it. Brent: He said he'd give you 800 bucks for your machine. Emma: I'm done with sewing. Pack it up, if they want that old thing. Brent: Don't worry, they can rebuild it, better stronger faster. Oscar: A grown man, acting like a kid. Pathetic. I want a raise in my allowance. Emma: We'll talk. Oscar: If it's Molly, I'm not here. Davis: Please can I have some macaroodles? Please, please, please, pleee-aaaase! Lacey: All right. I am tired of the whining. Davis: All right! So if I eat this pasta, you'll bring me some macaroodles? Lacey: Davis, those are macaroodles, macaroni noodles. Macaroodles. Davis: Oh. Lacey: What did you think they were? Davis: Macaroons, lots of them...oodles. Aah. Hey, can I order something else? Lacey: Well... Davis: Mmm, cottage cheese and peaches, that sounds good. Oscar: That's for seniors, jackass. Category:Transcripts